Tips for Dealing with Grief
Welcome to this episode of Work Your Biz Like A Boss! Today’s episode might seem unrelated to business but it’s very much related to business, and it’s about grief. Grief is never convenient nor is it considerate.
It shows up during vacations. It shows up in the middle of the largest increase and growth in your business. It shows up when you’re getting married. It shows up when you’re emptying your nest.
Recently, grief came to visit my life, and I learned a few things that I want to share with you.
My Story
This summer, specifically in June, I was finishing up one of the largest marketing campaigns I’d had so far and one of my favorites. It was for Draggin’ Main, a local event that brings in thousands of people every year. We have car shows, classic drive-in tours, and lots of other fun things that culminates in a dragging main event the final night like we used to do as kids in the 80’s. I always wanted to be a part of it, and 2022 was the year I was invited! So exciting.
At the same time, my dad had his third bad “spell” (I’d come to call them) where he’d get super weak. He thought maybe he was sick with a virus or something, but I’d been encouraging him to go see a doctor and that something was wrong. Well, he’s a marine and can be quite stubborn. I also think he thought he had cancer, which took out most of my grandmother’s side of the family including her.
Long story short, the day after Draggin Main was over, I called an ambulance. He wasn’t getting better. He didn’t think he was going to make it. And still he wanted to wait until the next day! Nope. You’re going to the hospital, now! He was diagnosed with a wound infection that had a high mortality rate. He was air lifted to Lubbock, and the doctors saved his life.
Fast forward a month later. He got a UTI and died the next day from being septic. It was absolutely devastating. I was a daddy’s girl. He was my rock. He wasn’t without faults, but he communicated his love for me very well. He was hilarious, too. I’d go on the road with him each summer, and he’d have me in laughing fits. Now he was gone, and I felt like an orphan. Plus I had tons of decisions to make to honor his wishes. Because I knew him well, and my son and I were his world, both of us made decisions we felt he’d want.
The aftermath
After the dust settled, I then had to go through not only his stuff but my grandparents who died before him. Dad just didn’t have the heart to go through his parent’s stuff. And I got it. I didn’t want to either. It’s the toughest and most crushing experience ever. It’s like a weight that sits on top of the weight of grief you’re already carrying.
I also had the tough decision of what to do with his cats both inside and outside. That was the hardest and ended up causing even more grief. I also had to decide what to do with a house that probably should be torn down. And I’m still making decisions on all of that.
Then came the bills. In spite of VA and Medicare, decisions were made by “professionals” that made my life harder. But I’m a determined individual and through hard work and research, most are taken care of. I’m still in the midst of finishing up a few more but the brunt of that work is almost done.
So you have all of the normal day-to-day aftermath of a loved one’s death on top of incompetency on top of making decisions you know your loved one would probably not want and most you know he or she would agree with. It’s, quite frankly, awful.
Unexpected emotions
In the midst of all of that is the normal feelings of guilt and uncertainty. I should have brought him home. I should have forced him to go to a doctor sooner. I should have done this or done that.
Thankfully, my faith in God and my relationship with my dad helped a lot. Also, I recognized what my brain was doing. It was trying to tie up loose ends so that I would never feel pain like this again. Because I knew what it was doing, I knew that 1) that was impossible and 2) to go with the flow and process what I was feeling.
I also felt like I was erasing my dad by going through everything and throwing away a lot! My son came to stay with us and help me for two weeks. Unfortunately, we had to get rid of tons of furniture and items that were just trash leaving very little in the way of inheritance, which I really didn’t care. I make great money so didn’t care about that. However, I did care about an inheritance for my son and his family in the future so had to evaluate and make the best decisions to ensure that.
Instead, I focused on those items that meant a lot to my dad and grandparents and son. I began carefully selecting and displaying certain objects, which you can see in my IG stories—his revelry horn from the marine corp, his trumpet from junior high or high school, his glasses that were also my grandpa’s, a vase, tin cups from Texas and other travels, an iron horse head my grandpa loved, old pictures, a bookcase that I remember as a tiny kiddo my uncle built in school, and other family items that preserve my history because when you lose a parent, you feel like you’re losing your history.
I found my grandparents marriage certificates, a corn cob pipe that I heard stories about, letters my grandmother wrote to my dad in the marine corp during Vietnam, my great grandpa’s ship fitter’s union card, my and my dad’s birth card giving our weight and length, a record collection, and the list goes on and on. All of these “treasures” are waiting for me to explore when I have the capacity to do so. Right now they’d just cause more sadness.
Another surprising guilt I had was “feeling better too quick.” That didn’t last long, but you have a period where you feel better, and it can seem too soon. But really it was my brain trying to give me some relief. Typically, you’ve not really moved on. Grief will hit you out of nowhere at times. Don’t worry. It’s still there to a degree.
TIPS I LEARNED
Here are some of the things I learned that might help you:
You will NEVER be ready for loss and you have to be okay with that. It just doesn’t matter how much time you have to “prepare” or how little. Both have their pros and cons and both hurt. The end.
Find what you take COMFORT in. For me it was my work. However, the flip side of that is my work could also become a place to hide from grief. I was very cognizant of that and would work but not use my work to avoid dealing with my dad’s stuff, which leads to the next thing I learned.
How do you PROCESS grief? Do the opposite. For me, I could go both ways. Put my head down and just do it or avoid it. During the first week, I tried to help my husband begin to go through things, but instead, it made me feel worse. I would cry uncontrollably and experienced even more tragedy. My hubby basically told me to go home and stay away for a while so I did until I felt more able to handle things, which leads me to the next lesson learned.
Incorporate SELF-CARE. Whether I was needing a break or working hard, I incorporated self-care. When my son and I were going through the house, we would work and then weight train, eat out, watch a movie, go for a walk, or discuss old times. We’d also ask each other, “How are you?” Or just share how much the entire thing sucked. When my hubby sent me home, I did little, tiny projects around the house like hanging a picture, organizing, or watching home improvement and design shows. I’d also nap when I could. I also learned when I wanted to talk about things and when I didn’t. Thankfully, I have friends and family that made that decision easy for me.
I learned what to AVOID. My dad and I loved true crime. We’d read books on it and discuss the cases. He’d tell me what cases to avoid because so terrible. On the road, we’d talk and talk about true crime. We also shared a love for music. He was in a band in the 60’s so from the 60’s on, we had favorite bands and we’d listen to music. I remember going to sleep with him playing the Ventures or House of the Rising Sun or a Rolling Stones song on his huge amp as a kid. So at first, I avoided certain music and I avoided true crime. I didn’t watch any shows or listen to any true crime podcasts until I got my bearings. Now I listen to podcasts but don’t watch as much on TV. I’m still on a home improvement kick. I finally created a Dad Music Playlist (thanks to my son who had 90 plus songs on there; they’d play guitar together) and listen to it the other day while I trained. I was sad but also intrigued on learning more of what he liked that he and my son shared. I also learned to be careful of the movies I watched. My husband and I watched the movie, “Dog,” and it is a great movie. But the military funeral and overall sadness of the dog situation made me feel worse.
Think STRATEGICALLY. I made the mistake of not doing this last weekend. So as I stated earlier, my dad had lots and lots of cats. He absolutely loved cats. I do, too. He had three cats he called “his little orphans.” One my husband and I helped rescue and we call her, Grand Kitty. She had a litter leaving two daughters that are with her. We have her one son, and he is a favorite of ours! You’ll see him in my IG and he has his own IG @mr_joseph_cat. My cousin wanted an indoor kitty, which these have never been outside except one time when Grand Kitty snuck out and got knocked up. She picked the one she wanted, and I drove her new cat over to her town about 90 miles away. The entire thing was sad. Giving away one of his cats. Her being in a kennel on the way over meowing. Leaving her. All the uncertainty. But on top of that I had not been to the house may cousin lived in since my aunt died. She owned the house with my uncle, and she was my favorite aunt. I just didn’t take that into consideration and broke down crying at the dining room table. It was all overwhelming. I missed seeing how sad the entire thing was going to be and didn’t prepare ahead of time. That’s what I mean by thinking strategically. Assess something like that beforehand and either recognize it’s going to be tough and that’s ok or take measures to lessen the impact if possible.
SUMMARY
You are going to feel things you’ve never felt before. You are going to want to avoid pain at all costs. You will feel paralyzed at times. You will feel regret and guilt at times. Give yourself grace!
And if you know that one day you will experience loss on this level, do things NOW that will keep regret at a bare minimum later. Visit that person regularly without impatience or dread. Make decisions that you’ll be proud of later. I did that with my grandpa before he died, and it helped me a lot after he passed.
Life is precious and short. Live it well. Live it authentically. There will be no regret in that!