Hell Yeah! Life®: Christmas Decor Disaster

I do a lot of mentoring. A lot. And in the course of mentoring everyone from teenagers to adults to singles to married I’ve seen something in every single case that I want to talk about today. Let me give you an example first. Take you inside the process.

Christmas Decor Disaster

A couple start a simple chore of getting all of the Christmas decorations down from the attic area of their barn. Things seem to be going just fine. They have a nice system going with the family all chipping in until suddenly one member of the family throws two things down on top of a box with fragile items in it. This kicks off an argument.

Fast forward to my office where I’m now sitting with the individual who threw the items. I’ve already heard the one spouse’s side. Now it’s time to hear the other side. I ask him to take me through what happened, which by the way, he had apologized quick after the episode and even put the decorations in the garage where she had wanted them to be for years.

He said everything was fine and then he was just frustrated and felt disrespected. As I’m listening, I’m taking note of any heightened emphasis on words, repetitive words and phrases, and personality triggers. Frustration. Respect. These two stood out to me. I asked him to remember when he first started feeling frustration.

We were able to connect the frustration with the realization of how cluttered the barn was and as he helped get box after box after box of decorations. He said there was too much crap in his barn and that his family just put things wherever they felt like. He admitted he did it, too. He then said that it felt disrespectful (in spite of the fact that he did the same thing). And out of frustration he “gently threw” (not sure how that happens) the two items onto the box sparking the strife.

After pointing out the obvious hypocrisy of his frustration at everyone else leaving their “crap” everywhere when he did the same thing, we then dove into the disrespect. Why did it feel like disrespect? We were able to nail that down to the fact that his personality, which is a D personality, interprets most things through the lense of respect. In fact, respectful straightforward communication is a D’s communication trust currency. He interpreted his family putting their stuff wherever they pleased as disrespect for his known wishes while it is obvious they interpreted his putting his stuff wherever as permission to do the same.

It doesn’t end there

This bit of insight was very helpful to him. He said that he never really stopped to ponder why he does and says certain things even when he knows he shouldn’t or he should stop. I then explained to him what I want you to take away today.

When your reaction to something or someone doesn’t match the “crime,” there’s something else going on.

Let me give you an example from my own life. When I was about 13, my stepmother and I moved to Childress, TX. It was a difficult time. She was my dad’s third marriage. I wanted to move to Childress because I had a boyfriend there already. But I was very sad and angry about another failed marriage, and, quite frankly, I didn’t like my stepmother and didn't understand why my dad left me with her. With her drug use and alcoholism, it didn’t make for good times. We had a couple of fist fights, I snuck out all of the time, did drugs and drank myself, and just generally hated her and many others. Eventually, she moved out of her parents home (where we were living at the time), and I straightened right up. I loved my step-grandparents. Then that summer my dad came and got me, and I’ve lived in Clovis since.

Fast forward 30 plus years. I’m in my church’s new rented building touching up some paint trim. I had just gotten done and went to put the paint can in the storeroom before washing my paintbrush. I walk into the storeroom and stop. I was feeling overwhelming sadness. I mean the type that takes your breath away. Because of all of the emotional intelligence work I’ve done through the years, I knew it wasn’t normal. I was fine a few moments ago. So I stood there and prayed, asking, “What is going on?” Suddenly, it hit me. The storeroom smelled like my step-grandparents’ house in Childress. Smell triggered an emotional response.

What would have happened if I didn’t stop to analyze what had happened? I might have been sad for days. The minute I recognized what was going on, I was able to acknowledge it and move on. How many people think a current emotional state is based on current circumstances when actually it’s from the past? How many are interacting with others—peers, spouses, children, etc.—based on past experiences causing overreactions and broken relationships?

Let me say it again:

If your reaction to something or someone doesn’t match the “crime,” there’s something else going on.

CORE VALUES

There’s more digging I’m going to do with this gentleman because there’s a lot of reaction instead of responding going on in his marriage. But he did walk away with an awareness of how his personality interprets things, how past issues might be influencing his perceptions, and how core values are being triggered. Let me tackle that for a second.

Core values are the inherit values you live by. Mine are honesty, integrity, and my faith. Honesty is my being honest with others and others being honest with me. Integrity is being the same person whether in private or public and doing what I say I will do. My faith in God is a filter through which I make all of my decisions. These are good things.

Some core values are formed through good family dynamics growing up and experiences and others are a response to poor family dynamics and experiences growing up. For example, the honesty core value for me was formed because my stepmother (the same one) accused me of lying all of the time. I wasn’t. Finally, I decided if that’s how she thought of me, that’s what she would get. And I became a very, very good liar. And the irony was that she lied all of the time. Thank goodness she’s not the person any more. Thank goodness I’m not that person anymore. No judgment where she’s concerned. She did the best she could. Hurting people hurt people. But I’m sure you can see that being accused of lying all of the time and being lied to could create a high core value of honesty.

Here’s where things get sticky. If someone accuses me of lying, which can be as simply as doubting what I’m saying (even innocently), I can get mad. Or if I feel someone is lying to me, I don’t trust them…ever. Neither of these reactions are good. So I need to learn to response versus react. Now if someone’s a liar, I can’t trust them, of course. But that doesn’t mean that their value as a human is diminished. I just need proper boundaries in place.

IN SUMMARY

I’d highly encourage you to monitor your emotional state and ask questions. Question the thoughts you have. Question the emotions you feel. Don’t just take them at face value. Some are the result of legitimate bad acts against you. But even then how you respond is within your power. No one should control your emotional state but you. And if you’re a person of faith, Jesus can help you do that even more!